My latest ramblings

When I remember that I have it, I occasionally use this blog to vent my spleen, or occasionally discuss things that I enjoy. This time I have a mixture of both for you lucky people.

First, the good. I recently bought Batman: Arkham Asylum on PS3. Now I'm not the world's biggest Batman fan (I still think Adam West was the best Caped Crusader), but the game was getting rave reviews so I thought I should give it a go. Pretty glad I did, because it's incredibly atmospheric and has some pretty varied gameplay (as long as you find solving crimes and punching people in the face varied). The graphics are pretty decent and the voice acting is a cut above most games, especially Mark 'Skywalker' Hamill's turn as Joker. It's a lot of fun beating the shit out of things and using your Batarangs, Batclaw and explosive Batgel (the filthy bastard). It's a bit short though. Even I completed it in about twelve hours and the Challenge Mode is a bit repetitive. Still, well worth getting for the storyline and it's a lot of fun while it lasts.


My favourite moan of the moment is major studios fucking up their Blu-ray releases. The most famous example in recent memory is Gladiator, a film I don't particularly enjoy, but which was hotly anticipated by seemingly everyone else on the planet. When it arrived it had shit loads of edge enhancement, DNR and even missing picture information thanks to the automated scratch removal process. Way to go dickheads.

It's not just Maximus who has fallen foul of idiot studios. I was watching one of Paramount's Star Trek films last night (The Undiscovered Country) and apart from the annoyance of finding out that it was only the theatrical cut (and so omitted a lot of my favourite moments) I couldn't believe the amount of DNR. I know it's Star Trek, but only Odo is supposed to look like his face is made of wax. The edge enhancement isn't much better either. The image below sort of illustrates the effect, although I have exaggerated it (because I'm like that).

Disney's awful treatment of Zhang Yimou's Hero is another example of this worrying trend. Why the fuck would you give the English dub a Master Audio track and the original Mandarin a 640Kbps Dolby Digital track? Retards.

On the bright side there are a number of excellent catalogue films due for BD release in the next couple of months. Long-time favourite Gremlins is finally getting a release (unless it's cancelled at the last minute again) and Michael Mann's Heat is also on the way. Manhunter will also be aailable in the US, so I might have to import that one, although I think it's only part of a boxed set with the other Lecter films and I already have those... A Nightmare on Elm Street was listed on Amazon the other day but has since disappeared, which is annoying. Oh, I almost forgot South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut (finally with Parker/Stone commentary) and Galaxy Quest. Good times.

On a completely unrelated note to all of the above, last weekend I went to London to watch my brother-in-law in London's Strongest Man. Now I've always been a reasonably big lad in comparison to most people, but I felt like a child compared to most of those blokes. My BiL is lighter than me, but he's also a lot shorter and sixteen stone of muscle as opposed to my 99% body fat. Thing is, he's tiny compared to some of the monsters that were walking around. Ex-Britain's Strongest Man Terry Hollands was there competing in a different category (which he won embarrassingly easily) and that's the first time I've ever stood next to a 6' 7" 28 stone bloke and it was quite humbling. Just look at the fucking size of him!

I also suffered the ignominy of having one of the slightly less freakishly-sized competitors spotting me holding my Mrs' bag for her, at which point he sneered 'handbag' in a derisive tone. Cheers love (my Mrs not the strongman). It's almost enough to make me go to the gym, if only I weren't such a fat lazy bastard.

Oh, my BiL came sixth out of twenty-four competitors, but there were only a few points between him and second place. Apparently he should have placed higher because they fucked up the scoring and a couple of the competitors (i.e. the winners) used 'strong suits' for some of the events and weren't eligible to be in the competition anyway. Top organisational skills there.

The best bit about the whole day was the little dolly bird running around for obscure Sky TV channel L.A. Muscle (watched exclusively my women and homosexuals I assume). It was most amusing watching her skip (literally) about and giggle at everything even the dullest-witted of the meat-heads said while failing miserably to chat her up. She was fit though.

So, new PS3 games that rock

Okay, so I don't actually post to this blog with any regularity, but every now and then there will be something that I fancy ranting about or - shock - praising, which brings me to the subject of this post: inFamous and Prototype on the PS3.

Firstly, inFamous, in which you play a blady-bonced chap called Cole (why are superheroes in games never called Dave or Ian?) who survives getting blown up at the start of the game and develops cool electrical powers and stuff. You can fire off bolts of electricity, shoot shock-waves, survive falls from the tallest buildings and climb virtually any structure in a massive open-world city. As the game progresses you get to hurl electrical grenades, shoot powerful electrical rockets, and even hover with your powers. There are plenty of missions and side-missions, and you can chose to behave like a goody-two-shoes or a complete wanker, which in turn grants you access to different powers (and changes the colour of your electricity from blue to red - very Star Wars). The game is driven by its story and some very nice cut-scenes, and although there are a few graphical issues (pop-in being the worst) the game looks very nice for the most part. I like like the fact that Cole is bald because I can identify with themes of (hair) loss. I just wish I could fry people with electricity as well.


On the other hand we have Prototype, which is basically a cross between Hulk: Ultimate Destruction, Spider-Man: Web of Shadows, Spawn and the Guyver. Oh, and a bunch of Resident Evil type stuff about a mutagenic virus. Basically you play as this total bad-arse called Alex Mercer (see, still no Dave) who wakes up on a slab in the morgue only to discover that he has super-strength and cool shape-shifting powers that allow him to transform parts of his body into weapons. He's also nigh-on invulnerable and can leap huge distances in a single bound (but not tall buildings) and use 'adaptive parkour' to free run over obstacles and up buildings in New York City. Best of all, Alex can literally consume people to replenish his strength! Yes, that's right, you get to absorb people into your own bio-mass, after which you can assume their identities, complete with access to their memories and abilities! As the game progresses you'll unlock even more powers, upgrades and moves, all of which will allow you to eviscerate people in a more efficient manner. And eviscerate you will, as Prototype is one hell of a gory game. Alex can slice, dice and even rip people in half with his powers! He also has the ability to hijack military vehicles (after killing the occupants in an unpleasant manner) such as APCs, tanks and choppers. As with inFamous there are a few graphical issues, but you'll be so busy killing things that you won't even notice. The story isn't as polished as inFamous either, but the way that it is revealed by consuming various people is novel.


Both games are pretty cool, but for different reasons. inFamous has the better story and characterisation, but Prototype is just sheer mindless fun that caters to your base emotions. Although Cole's powers are cool he wouldn't last five seconds against Mercer, who'd basically just eat him (literally). A lot of people are picking sides when it comes to these games, but I enjoyed them both immensely. inFamous probably has more longevity because once you've played though in either good or evil mode, you can go back and play the other way. Prototype is more linear and I don't think it's the sort of game you'd play through more than once, although I can imagine returning to it for short bouts of violence more often than inFamous.

It's a tough call between these if you are strapped for cash. If you're after a compelling story, more varied enemies and missions, better presentation and a bald superhero, go for inFamous. However, if you like mindless action and gratuitous violence (although I'm not sure video-game violence can ever be gratuitous), Prototype is the way to go.

Street Fighter IV anally raped me!

Okay, so I got the new version of Street Fighter on Friday and have played it a fair bit over the weekend. I'm generally very impressed with the graphics and gameplay, with one notable exception: Seth. The final boss is a cocksmith. Seriously, you can kick his arse on the first round and in the second he turns into an unbeatable teleporting, Sonic Boom spamming, unblockable Shoryuken using cunt. And what sort of a name is Seth anyway?He sounds like a redneck.

Oh, and what genius decided it would be a good idea to let online players see which character their opponent is selecting? It puts the first player to select their fighter at a distinct tactical disadvantage, because player two can just choose a character to counter player one's strengths. Retards.

Other than that, it's quite good.

What I watched this week...

I recently remembered that I had this blog, so I thought I'd resurrect it as a means to stave off terminal boredom at work. Anyway, what better way to get things moving again than by criticising the work of people infinitely more talented than me? Here we go then:

The Love Guru: Did I say 'infinitely more talented'? Christ, what was Mike Myers thinking? This has to be the most useless piece of crap committed to film since Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer shat out their 'script' for Meet the Spartans (and all of the other projects they've worked on). Myers has a dead look in his eyes that screams 'put me out of my misery' while he reels off unfunny gag after unfunny gag. It comes to something when the best things about your film are Justin Timberlake doing an impression of a French-Canadian and Jessica 'Ikea' Alba. For a film starring Vern Troyer it doesn't even have any decent midget jokes. Even In Bruges managed that!

JCVD: Loads of people were going on about how great this film was, so I decided to give it a go. It might be the best thing Jean-Claude Van Damme has done in fifteen years, but come on people, it's Jean-Claude fucking Van Damme. I almost fell asleep.

I Am Legend: I am boring more like. What a complete waste of an intruiging premise. With so many elements of the original story removed or altered, the title doesn't even make any sense! Good performance by the dog though.

Battlestar Galactica: This one is treading water at the moment. With only a handful of episodes left I really hope they can pull all the threads together in time for a finale that doesn't suck. What's the bet that the humans are going to be the descendants of the original Cylons? No? Balls.

Lost: Yes it's getting better, but with time travel galore and more paradoxes than you can shake a stick at, I just want them to end it before I die of old age. Tell me what the fucking smoke monster is already!

CSI: I completely missed the fact that the ninth (!) season had already started, so I had some catching up to do. I only managed the first two episodes this week, but I thought they dealt with the death of one of the major characters quite well. Unfortunately the show is past its prime and needs to be retired before Gill Grissom is seen water skiing over a Great White.

Heroes: I'm starting to lose faith in this show, but I can't stop watching it. So many changing allegiances, so many stupid decisions by characters so powerful they should never be in any danger. I'm praying for the day when Saylar just kills them all.

Star Wars: The Clone Wars: I like it, bollocks to you. Yeah it's a cartoon aimed at kids, but it's the only way I can get a new Star Wars fix and it's arguably better than the prequels. It'll look nice on Blu-ray as well...